Sometimes the smallest things will bring you peace. Embrace the feeling and take the time to just breathe and you will find yourself more centered in all things.
We are human. The scariest part of being alive is how we live. We crave contact with others while shunning the deepest parts of ourselves all in the name of living but the truth is the only way to truly live is to be yourself.
I slept all day yesterday, woke up and demolished a burger, a cinnamon roll, and 40 chicken nuggets. It’s okay to not be okay, just remember to breathe through it all and do whatever you have to do to pick yourself back up.
I’ve bitten my nails for as long as I can remember and it was painful and bloody. I realized the thing that set me off and encouraged this habit was my nails would be uneven or have something sticking up and I finally realized how to conquer this problem. I bought 2 nail clippers. 1 for the bathroom and 1 to keep with me at all times. Whenever I got the urge to bite my nails I would clip whatever was bothering me and chew on gum or a straw and it took awhile and occasionally I still do it when I’m not thinking, but I have long nails and I haven’t relapsed in over a year. You can do it, and even if you fail it doesn’t mean you’re starting over, it means that you are conquering this step by step and failing is just another step, keep going and don’t give up.
Sometimes things have been wrong for so long that when you finally reach that moment of peace you don’t even realize. I’ve been struggling with so much but I sat down today and thought about it and realized that I’m calm, I’m content, and I’m happy. It comes and it goes but sometimes all you need is that one moment to realize that you can do this. You can. You just have to breathe.
You know when I was little Christmas held so much magic, but nowadays it makes me sad and miserable. All I can say is appreciate what you have for as long as you can.
I’ve found that one of the hardest things in life for me is personal care. How do I take care of my hair, nails, body, etc. How do I eat healthy but also be healthy. My nails are cracked and thin, my hair is falling out and I have dandruff as well as a scalp that constantly itches. I constantly feel like crap and am so depressed that the thought of doing anything is exhausting. Start small, get some cuticle oil and after every shower put some on your cuticles. Maybe start taking some vitamins while you’re at it. It’s so hard but every little step is important. My head is almost never itchy anymore and my hair has stopped falling out, my nails are still not great but I’m trying one step at a time. I found the easiest way to take care of myself and took it. There are electric shower scrubbers which helps a lot, there are herbs that help with body processes and I genuinely have begun to feel better. I still have my off times but I’m still doing the best I can. Food-wise I love fruit, so I buy it pre-cut and get other things like celery and things for sandwiches and salads with spinach. This doesn’t mean I completely cut out snacks I like it just means I limit how much I eat of the snacks. We can do it.
I have discovered that I am a product of my upbringing. I don’t eat healthy because it takes too much effort to make something. My father is the exact same way. He only eats convenient foods and he’ll only eat if you make him something but if you don’t, he’ll say it’s fine I’m not hungry and go without. It makes you feel like you’re starving him because you didn’t want to make him an extra sandwich. We often don’t realize how much the world around us influences and infects us. We become harsh, and judgmental. We follow like herds of sheep all the latest news and trends. We form our bad habits early and usually from those close to us. It’s a never-ending cycle that isn’t broken until someone recognizes the pattern and takes a stand. I want to be better, happier. I want my soul to be loud and bright and I want it to warm up everyone it shines onto. It is hard for me to feel motivation, instead of dread at the prospect of trying to change my habits because my brain is constantly telling me that I can’t alter anything. The clothes need to be washed at this temperature otherwise they’re wrong. The dishes need to be hand washed or they’re dirty. If anything stays on your skin like ink then it has to be scrubbed off. Logically I know none of those things are true; I know that my brain is forcing me into patterns because that’s the way my neural pathways form, but I look at happy people and their happy marriages and lives and think to myself how much I wish I could let go of all these little things that haunt me. So, I’ll take it one step at a time. Start with something small and slowly alter my routine over time and trick my brain into reforming those pathways so that I can be better. So that I can do better not only for those around me but for myself. I’ve allowed my diseases to control me for a very long time, but as with fire, the more you feed them the more they grow. There are some things you’re born with and can’t change like Autism, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to grow and be happy. Learn to work within the boundaries of your problems and you will often come upon innovative solutions. I have a hard time making myself brush my teeth. It’s completely psychological and it stems from my childhood but I can’t do it. So, I tuck my toothbrush and toothpaste in a shelf or something similar by the shower so that I can put shampoo in my hair and leave it while I brush my teeth and then clean everything all at once. Bit by bit I am slowly tricking my brain into thinking that it’s a part of a routine and overall, it will lead to better habits and a happier sense of self. Sometimes you have to make little concessions, but the more you work on it the more solutions will appear.
True grief never goes away. It fades after some time, it isn’t as sharp, but it still makes you bleed. Some people learn to work through it and move on, others dwell until the end of their days. I don’t know which one I’ll be. My mother died when I was 17 years old. My parents were divorced and I lived with my dad but I talked to my mom and visited whenever I could. There’s a giant backstory to the divorce, all the fighting but the truth is my mother never could move on. It was like it haunted her that what she had envisioned as the perfect life after the divorce never happened. It was all she could talk about most of the time even after all the fighting was done. I’ve always thought that the reason she couldn’t move on was because she still loved my dad but the one time I brought it up she got very upset and denied it so I didn’t talk about it again. There are so many things I could say about her, her need to gain knowledge on new things, her aversion to doctors and all things medical but her dedication to natural remedies and herbs. How much she wanted to help people. Over the years she became warped. Life was not very kind and she lost trust in a lot of things and it altered her, but she was still beautiful. If I close my eyes I can still see her laughing at one of my jokes that I told to make her smile. Holding her hand in mine and loving the texture of how her veins stuck out very well so I could feel them and how her hands were always so worked because she was constantly moving and doing things. How her guys felt, a strange warmth that was calming even though she was smaller than me. I remember all the horrible things too, like when she called me sweetheart to my face but told others that I was a uncontrollable monster that scared her. The realization that she didn’t see me but saw me as something to be gained and controlled. How alone I always felt. Everyone has different sides to them, and I still don’t know what the truth was. If she really loved me or just what I was. If she cared about me as a person. Sometimes I think I know that she loved me but other times it’s just so hard to tell. She got sick with cancer. She was only in her fifties. She had so much more life left to live. I went to see her before she died. But it was like she was already gone, and I got scared and called my dad to come get me because I couldn’t handle it. I’ve regretted it ever since. I’m haunted by guilt and by what ifs. And sometimes I almost feel like I can move on. I never do.
I have severe sleeping problems and I usually don’t wake up until well in the afternoon but even the littlest things can still make me feel like I’ve accomplished something with my day. For instance I cut up all the food fruit in my fridge and stored it properly so that it’s easily accessible for me in the future when I am really hungry cause I forget to eat a lot, or when you take a shower because you feel gross, or you vacuum a little bit. You don’t have to do everything but every little thing you do will make you feel better. So even when I don’t accomplish much, even if my only success is getting out of bed, I still did that and I’m proud that I could do that today. Even on days where I can’t get out of bed, if I have a water bottle on my night stand it still means I’m trying to take care of myself and I’m proud.