Sometimes things have been wrong for so long that when you finally reach that moment of peace you don’t even realize. I’ve been struggling with so much but I sat down today and thought about it and realized that I’m calm, I’m content, and I’m happy. It comes and it goes but sometimes all you need is that one moment to realize that you can do this. You can. You just have to breathe.
You know when I was little Christmas held so much magic, but nowadays it makes me sad and miserable. All I can say is appreciate what you have for as long as you can.
I’ve found that one of the hardest things in life for me is personal care. How do I take care of my hair, nails, body, etc. How do I eat healthy but also be healthy. My nails are cracked and thin, my hair is falling out and I have dandruff as well as a scalp that constantly itches. I constantly feel like crap and am so depressed that the thought of doing anything is exhausting. Start small, get some cuticle oil and after every shower put some on your cuticles. Maybe start taking some vitamins while you’re at it. It’s so hard but every little step is important. My head is almost never itchy anymore and my hair has stopped falling out, my nails are still not great but I’m trying one step at a time. I found the easiest way to take care of myself and took it. There are electric shower scrubbers which helps a lot, there are herbs that help with body processes and I genuinely have begun to feel better. I still have my off times but I’m still doing the best I can. Food-wise I love fruit, so I buy it pre-cut and get other things like celery and things for sandwiches and salads with spinach. This doesn’t mean I completely cut out snacks I like it just means I limit how much I eat of the snacks. We can do it.
I have discovered that I am a product of my upbringing. I don’t eat healthy because it takes too much effort to make something. My father is the exact same way. He only eats convenient foods and he’ll only eat if you make him something but if you don’t, he’ll say it’s fine I’m not hungry and go without. It makes you feel like you’re starving him because you didn’t want to make him an extra sandwich. We often don’t realize how much the world around us influences and infects us. We become harsh, and judgmental. We follow like herds of sheep all the latest news and trends. We form our bad habits early and usually from those close to us. It’s a never-ending cycle that isn’t broken until someone recognizes the pattern and takes a stand. I want to be better, happier. I want my soul to be loud and bright and I want it to warm up everyone it shines onto. It is hard for me to feel motivation, instead of dread at the prospect of trying to change my habits because my brain is constantly telling me that I can’t alter anything. The clothes need to be washed at this temperature otherwise they’re wrong. The dishes need to be hand washed or they’re dirty. If anything stays on your skin like ink then it has to be scrubbed off. Logically I know none of those things are true; I know that my brain is forcing me into patterns because that’s the way my neural pathways form, but I look at happy people and their happy marriages and lives and think to myself how much I wish I could let go of all these little things that haunt me. So, I’ll take it one step at a time. Start with something small and slowly alter my routine over time and trick my brain into reforming those pathways so that I can be better. So that I can do better not only for those around me but for myself. I’ve allowed my diseases to control me for a very long time, but as with fire, the more you feed them the more they grow. There are some things you’re born with and can’t change like Autism, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to grow and be happy. Learn to work within the boundaries of your problems and you will often come upon innovative solutions. I have a hard time making myself brush my teeth. It’s completely psychological and it stems from my childhood but I can’t do it. So, I tuck my toothbrush and toothpaste in a shelf or something similar by the shower so that I can put shampoo in my hair and leave it while I brush my teeth and then clean everything all at once. Bit by bit I am slowly tricking my brain into thinking that it’s a part of a routine and overall, it will lead to better habits and a happier sense of self. Sometimes you have to make little concessions, but the more you work on it the more solutions will appear.
True grief never goes away. It fades after some time, it isn’t as sharp, but it still makes you bleed. Some people learn to work through it and move on, others dwell until the end of their days. I don’t know which one I’ll be. My mother died when I was 17 years old. My parents were divorced and I lived with my dad but I talked to my mom and visited whenever I could. There’s a giant backstory to the divorce, all the fighting but the truth is my mother never could move on. It was like it haunted her that what she had envisioned as the perfect life after the divorce never happened. It was all she could talk about most of the time even after all the fighting was done. I’ve always thought that the reason she couldn’t move on was because she still loved my dad but the one time I brought it up she got very upset and denied it so I didn’t talk about it again. There are so many things I could say about her, her need to gain knowledge on new things, her aversion to doctors and all things medical but her dedication to natural remedies and herbs. How much she wanted to help people. Over the years she became warped. Life was not very kind and she lost trust in a lot of things and it altered her, but she was still beautiful. If I close my eyes I can still see her laughing at one of my jokes that I told to make her smile. Holding her hand in mine and loving the texture of how her veins stuck out very well so I could feel them and how her hands were always so worked because she was constantly moving and doing things. How her guys felt, a strange warmth that was calming even though she was smaller than me. I remember all the horrible things too, like when she called me sweetheart to my face but told others that I was a uncontrollable monster that scared her. The realization that she didn’t see me but saw me as something to be gained and controlled. How alone I always felt. Everyone has different sides to them, and I still don’t know what the truth was. If she really loved me or just what I was. If she cared about me as a person. Sometimes I think I know that she loved me but other times it’s just so hard to tell. She got sick with cancer. She was only in her fifties. She had so much more life left to live. I went to see her before she died. But it was like she was already gone, and I got scared and called my dad to come get me because I couldn’t handle it. I’ve regretted it ever since. I’m haunted by guilt and by what ifs. And sometimes I almost feel like I can move on. I never do.
I have severe sleeping problems and I usually don’t wake up until well in the afternoon but even the littlest things can still make me feel like I’ve accomplished something with my day. For instance I cut up all the food fruit in my fridge and stored it properly so that it’s easily accessible for me in the future when I am really hungry cause I forget to eat a lot, or when you take a shower because you feel gross, or you vacuum a little bit. You don’t have to do everything but every little thing you do will make you feel better. So even when I don’t accomplish much, even if my only success is getting out of bed, I still did that and I’m proud that I could do that today. Even on days where I can’t get out of bed, if I have a water bottle on my night stand it still means I’m trying to take care of myself and I’m proud.
One thing that I have done my whole life is I get so focused on something that if it gets interrupted and I can’t complete it I get so agitated that it makes me want to pull out my hair. I found out that this has the name fixation. I will get random bursts of energy in the middle of the night and I will start a project usually the 1st thing that my eyes land on that needs to be fixed in some way and I will get so fixated on that project that I have to get it done. It doesn’t matter if I’m waking other people up, it doesn’t matter that is the middle of the night and I’m hammering something and it’s super loud and disruptive it doesn’t matter. It just needs to be done and whenever I try and stop then it makes me feel wrong inside like I’ve done something that’s hurting me and it’s this horrible inescapable feeling of wrongness which is where my anxiety comes in. I get so anxious about doing any thing, on whatever I am doing, wrong that I have to make it perfectly it has to be done right I won’t let anybody else help with projects because they’re not doing it the way I want it done so it’s not done right. All these little things are just the beginning of how these types of mental disorders affect you every day. It’s not just projects either I make routines little things I go to the same movie theatre, I sit in the same seat, I sleep on the specific side of the bed, and that’s my side I use a bathroom and then I habitually clean the toilet Before & After I use it and I get paranoid about germs even though normally germs don’t bug me the more anxious I am and the more anxious I get the worse my germaphobia becomes. If at any point something changes that throws me off I become hysterical, and my anxiety and depression shoot through the roof even though I know that it’s okay that someone else is sitting in my chair my thoughts overwhelm me with, that’s your chair, they’re in the wrong place, you always sit there, they can’t sit there that’s your chair. Round and round it goes until I either become hysterical or the person moves. I feel embarrassed and ashamed because of how I act but I know I shouldn’t be. It’s not my fault that I am like this and it’s hard but I need to learn to embrace it and work towards being comfortable in my life and my skin. The majority of people I’ve met in my life hate me for the simple reason that I have no filter(I’ve been told this numerous times). No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself from just blurting things out when it pops into my head and I try to apologize or explain but that doesn’t stop the anger everyone feels at me because of something I can’t control. My advice to you is do what makes you happy. I love listening and feeling the vibration music makes and it makes me feel soothed. I love drawing even though I feel as if I have no talent. I love to sing when no one can hear me. My advice to you is to take it one day at a time. Breathe deeply and try to think your way through it. If someone sits in your chair politely ask them if they could move because that’s your favorite spot. If you are having a meltdown think about what calms you down. I sing to myself to calm myself down. Look for ways to make your life easier in the future, and it’s okay to struggle. We all struggle, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. You can do it.
The reality of anxiety is that, say you break an appliance and you have to go through the whole process of ordering a new one thinking to yourself how expensive it is and hopefully this new ones gonna be better and just hoping and hoping and then you’re getting the appliance delivered the next day so you can’t sleep because your so anxious that you’re gonna wake up late you end up sleeping for like 2 hours you wake up exhausted and falling asleep every 30 seconds and then when a knock comes at the door your heart beats so hard and you feel like you’re gonna throw up. And then the delivery men come in and you just try to sit and act all nonchalant pretending that your not anxious at all and then everything’s replaced and the deliveryman have you sign things and then leave and all you can think to yourself is why am I like this and then you go to bed and sleep for the rest of the day which means that your sleeping schedule is now off once again. That is anxiety.
The WEDDING AND HONEYMOON
Life is hell, you really just jump from one crisis to the next and you constantly feel like the roof is caving in and falling down all around you, and if you wait just a little longer that last piece is going to fall onto your head. My advice? Learn as much as you can about handling things yourself. I got married in July of 2019. Idyllic right? Except it was hot outside and the photographer had us posing on grass filled with ants that got inside my dress, which I then had to take off for the reception. Trust me when I say you want to be wearing a poofy dress in all your wedding pictures or you’re going to look fat, frumpy and overall like you don’t care and look rather stupid overall. Even if you are overweight if you get the right dress you still pull it off and look amazing. However the only spare dress I had on hand was not at all flattering and made me look like a beached whale. Also, don’t ever wear high heels above 2 inches unless you’re willing to go through 6+ hours of standing in those bitches. It’s not worth it. I only got one piece of my wedding cake and my husband didn’t get any. Also on your honeymoon, plan activities to go to or you’re going to be miserable and stuck indoors the whole time, because your new husband doesn’t like swimming and that’s the only thing to do at the hotel.
I got a little off topic, so I’ll refocus. My husband and I have been fighting non-stop about things we really should have worked out before marriage. You know, the little things nobody thinks about, bank accounts, jobs, cooking, cleaning, standards of cleaning and such. He is always anxious about money and wants a minimum of a grand in the bank account at all times. However, things don’t work that way and whenever he is feeling particularly anxious then he starts fights that usually end in him blaming me for something and storming off. I’m not saying I don’t start fights with him either, but the fact that this has become such a huge issue in our marriage means that we should have taken the time to have real discussions probably with a therapist before we tied the knot. Each thing that started out little have become massive obstacles, and one of them might just end up ending our marriage all together. My advice, before you get married, you discuss all the little things you can think of and make sure that you are on the same page, as well as researching common things couples fight about and make sure you have that covered. Make a plan.
Another very important thing is disabilities. Whether you have none or have too many to count, you need to learn how to love yourself before you enter a permanent relationship. I know that sounds like crap, and there are exceptions to the rule, but my husband has never had disabilities. Mental or physical and one of the biggest problems in our relationship is that he has no idea how to react or help. Early on in our relationship he didn’t even believe mental disabilities existed, but as time has passed he has learned about it more and more and tries to support me how he can, but since he has never had clinical depression, or anxiety, or autism he doesn’t know how to handle me or help me and it makes him afraid of the unknown. I am autistic. I am extremely high functioning and nobody really notices because I blend in well, but when you look all these little mannerisms that I have point in one direction. I rock back and forth while hugging myself to try and calm down, I feel sick if I make eye contact with others and stare at the ground whenever I am walking anywhere. I look at people’s chests when I’m trying to have a conversation with them. I can’t stand people touching me unless they’re in my designated okay pool of people that I keep in my brain. The list goes on and on, but when you’ve never dealt with those kinds of things, how can you understand them or try to help? The truth is you can’t always help but you can still support them as much as you can. Everyone is different, and if you want to know how to help step one is asking the person what to do in certain situations. When I can’t make myself get out of bed because I am so depressed and in so much pain that all I feel is numb like a giant black hole is in my chest and it hurts. You feel hazy and cut off from the world and keep thinking what’s the point, but the smallest things help. My sister sending me pictures of her babies, and calling me to tell me she loves me and the babies were asking for me. My husband making me a sandwich he knows I like or just laying beside me for a little while. Snuggling a stuffed toy that you love, getting a weighted blanket. All these things can mean the world to someone, you just have to support them in the little ways to help them, even if you wish you could do more.
Switching gears once again, I bring you to homeownership. It can be the most wonderful thing in the world, or it can be a hell that you can’t escape. Frankly it can also be both. You know what I’m too worked up about this. I’ll just write another entry that is solely dedicated to homeownership and how to cope with it.
Ta ta for now my lovelies.
I can’t remember what age I was now, but at the time I was under eight years old. I know this because my parents split when I was 6 and divorced when I was 8 and this incident occurred right in the middle of all that chaos. It was rather quiet at home, we lived out in the middle of nowhere and with as many siblings as I have it was always loud. I don’t know whether they were at an event of some kind in town or were just off doing there own things but I took the opportunity to have fun. The days previously right after we had set up the pool, which is a whole other story on its own, I had seen two of my brothers climbing up to the roof of the house about 12 ft or so above the ground and proceeding to do tricks and flips off of the roof into the swimming pool which was set up right next to the house. I watched while hiding behind a tree as over and over again they climbed up to the roof and did tricks right before landing in the pool each time. So, I decided to give it a go. Obviously not when any one else was watching because they would never let me do something like that. Quietly I crept from the house and then climbed up to the roof. I wasn’t confident enough to do tricks so I just jumped right off. Admittedly my stomach gave a sick little swoop, but after I landed I decided it was worth it for the adrenaline spike I was getting in return. So I repeated this several times before my sister two years my senior saw me. I thought she was going to upset because I was being dangerous, but honestly I .should’ve known better. Just because she takes care of me like a mother would does not mean she is not just as mischievous as I am. She wanted to try too. So I helped her climb up the tree, onto the roof and while I had gotten very scratched up in the process I was excited for her to try it. However, the second she got to the edge of the roof and looked down she paled and said very quietly I want to go back down, can you help me? I thought about it, looked at my still scraped hands and knees from helping her climb the tree that burned like nobodies business and smiled up at her. I replied while patting her on the back of course. Then I pushed her off the roof. For about two glorious seconds she flew, and then she screamed right before she landed in the water. Wanting to get in the water so my hands didn’t hurt so much I jumped about 5 seconds after her. She proceeded to scream at me, cry hysterically and then stomp back into the house. She forgave me later of course, but as the sister who now can’t stand the anxiety of roller coasters, while she goes on to ride the most extreme rides she can find I feel a little bit justified as she has paid me back tenfold for what I did.
I did not proofread this so forgive any errors please.